Lady Moppet’s Post #12: A new romance about Lady Moppet

As you all well know, I’m very tired of Melusina Granger and her novel The Wicked Mistress, which is supposed to be about my life as King John’s time-travelling mistress but bears about as much resemblance to it as Little House on the Prairie does. Less, actually.

So I was delighted to learn that Little Princess are bringing a new Lady Moppet novel to publication. The title is King of My Heart, the author is Melissa McBride, and Melissa has been kind enough to send me a review copy. And, yes – I enjoyed reading it. While my story has been adapted for the romance genre, John and I are portrayed with respect, if a good deal of imagination. I’ll share a few quotes to show you what I mean. But not before warning you that there is some adult content in what follows…

Lady Moppet’s Post #11: Brace yourselves. Melusina shares a sex scene from The Wicked Mistress

Hello, everyone.

The children and I are still in the twenty-first century and, I’m glad to say, doing well. The twins are putting on weight fast and Oscar has stopped trying to kill them (or at least he’s stopped saying he’s going to try to kill them; I’m keeping a close watch on him).

But we all have our crosses to bear, and one of mine is the world’s most annoying author, Melusina Granger. She comes round almost every day (usually just before a meal), allegedly to ‘connect with Lady Moppet.’ However, she spends the whole time talking over me to John. Today they took it on themselves to discuss my birth and breeding:

JOHN: Now, Moppet will have it that she’s not common. But she is, isn’t she?

MEL (through a mouthful of hot buttered scone): Oh, God yes! Common as muck.

JOHN: Everyone here makes such a fuss about what newspaper you read, or do you say lavatory, or toilet. Stuff and nonsense. In my book, you’re either royal or you’re not.

MEL: Mine too. And she hasn’t a drop of Norman blood. My Moppet is a very English girl.

JOHN: Norman blood, indeed – when she puts butter on her bread!

(They fall about laughing).

LADY MOPPET (to MEL, indignantly): You’ve just buttered your scone.

MEL (rolls her eyes): It’s ironic, Moppet.

HODIERNA (comes in with another heaped cakestand): Don’t you fret, Lady Moppet! Common is as common does.

It’s not just the food Melusina comes round for. She has been on at me and on at me to post an excerpt from The Wicked Mistress, and I’ve finally decided to, because I think it’s only fair that people should be warned before they fork out for it. So, with some trepidation, I’m handing you over to her.

WARNING: Mature content beyond the jump. And whatever you do, don’t read it before you’ve had your first cup of coffee.

Lady Moppet’s Post #11: Baby Name Poll Results

Image from karenswhimsy.com

Hello everyone! This will be a short post, as I’m nursing the twins and I find that takes up most of my time at present. But while they are napping (simultaneously for a wonder) I will take a moment to tell you the results of the Baby Name Polls:

Boys’ Names

William (9 votes)

Sebastian (8 votes)

John, Stephen (4 votes each)

Henry, Philip, Luke, Silvester, Saladin (3 votes each)

Simon, Felix (2 votes each)

Geoffrey, Innocent, Spencer (1 vote each)

Richard (0 votes)

Girls’ Names

Adele (7 votes)

Dangereuse (6 votes)

Eleanor (4 votes)

Maude, Joanna, Kitty, Charlotte (2 votes each)

Isabella, Emily, Kristen (1 vote each)

Alix (0 votes)

***

Thanks to everyone who voted and made suggestions! After a lot of consideration the following announcement has gone into The Times:

On September 8 2010, to John of England and Lady Moppet of Yorkshire, twin sons, Felix and Sebastian, brothers for Oscar Fitzroy.

Lady Moppet’s Post #10: The Baby Shower

Image by James Mellor via Flickr

 

The first sign of trouble was a message from John requesting that I join him in the throne room.

“Oh – tell him I’ll be down in a minute.” I was refilling the gas in my hair curler from a canister. I was still messing about with it when John stormed in.

“What the hell are you doing? How dare you keep me waiting?”

“Darling, do give me a moment. This is a bit fiddly.”

He snatched the styler from me and threw it across the room (fortunately it didn’t land in the fire).

“You can’t cower up here, Moppet. Bloody come and see what you have done.”

King John’s Post #3: Some bodices were ripped in the writing of this post

The Bodleian Library. Photo by Paul Joseph via Flickr

Previously: Lady Moppet of Yorkshire, time-travelling mistress of King John, was alarmed to discover that Elizabeth Woodville was writing an erotic historical novel about her entitled The Wicked Mistress, under the pen name Melusina Granger. The Wicked Mistress was largely based on a thirteenth-century manuscript, the Historia Moppetae by Brother Walter, editor of the Waltham Chronicle of the Universe. While Lady Moppet was shocked to learn that King John was collaborating with Brother Walter on the project, she was relieved that it seemed unlikely that The Wicked Mistress would find a publisher, due to the excessive number of sex scenes. Meanwhile, John, discovering that Moppet had secretly been using contraception, promptly imprisoned her before leaving, ostensibly to visit his northern territories. He takes up the tale from the time he decided to leave Moppet in the charge of his brother, William of Salisbury.

I sent for Oscar. He dashed in and skidded over the rushes to a kneeling position. I picked him up and held him up high. He kicked his little legs and stared down at me with Moppet’s blue eyes.

It’s never wise to get too attached to a small child. They’re too fragile. They’re like goldfish. Swimming happily round in their pond today, floating dead on the surface tomorrow. For no particular reason. So I’d never spent much time with any of my young children before. But Oscar was different. He would live to a great age. He would save the English monarchy. Moppet had brought him to me across the centuries so that he could fulfil his destiny. And I would never let him go.

That was why I was taking him with me. If Moppet escaped – and I didn’t put it past her – she might take Oscar with her. If she returned to her own time, I could send my mercenaries after her, to chloroform her and drag her back, as I had with Mrs Kensington (although God knew my to-do list was long enough). But if she hid somewhere else – somewhere in the past, or somewhere even further in the future – I might never be able to find her. Or Oscar. And I wouldn’t risk that.

[Warning: further on in this post Mary Boleyn will be using foul language.]

Lady Moppet’s Post #8: Surprises

A task force arrives to liberate Lady Moppet. Image from www.karenswhimsy.com

Previously: Lady Moppet of Yorkshire, time-travelling mistress of King John, was alarmed to discover that Elizabeth Woodville was writing an erotic historical novel about her entitled The Wicked Mistress, under the pen name Melusina Granger. The Wicked Mistress was largely based on a thirteenth-century manuscript, the Historia Moppetae by Brother Walter, editor of the Waltham Chronicle of the Universe. While Lady Moppet was shocked to learn that King John was collaborating with Brother Walter on the project, she was relieved that it seemed unlikely that The Wicked Mistress would find a publisher, due to the excessive number of sex scenes. Meanwhile, John, discovering that Moppet had secretly been using contraception, promptly imprisoned her. In her dungeon a copy of The Wicked Mistress fell into her hands, and thus she learned that Melusina had resorted to self-publishing imprint Little Princess Promises. Lady Moppet continues the tale from the moment when an explosion interrupted her reading.

I suppose I should have dived behind the bed in self-protection, but I didn’t. I just sat there, too shocked to move. I did slap my hand over my mouth to avoid choking on the dust. Gradually, it settled. And then, stepping over the rubble, appeared the last person I’d expected to see: Sir Gloucester Debrett-Burke, Simon’s uncle. It took me a moment to recognise him because he was wearing chain mail.

“Moppet,” he boomed. “Long time, no see.”

“Sir Gloucester! How are you?”

“Never better, m’dear! I hope you’re quite well?”

“Um. Perfectly. What – “

What are you doing here? was what I’d meant to ask, but Sir Gloucester thought I wanted to know what had caused the explosion.

“Greek fire,” he said proudly. “Some of my knights wanted to use Semtex, but I decided we’d do it the old-fashioned way.”

He unclipped a mobile phone from his sword belt and threw it at me. “Simon wants you to give him a bell. I’ll just take possession of the castle, and then I and my men will be at your command.”

He waved his sword in the air. “Tally ho! Keep hunting!”

That seemed to be his battle cry. What looked like a small army began pouring through the hole in the wall. They broke through my dungeon door with a battering ram, and dashed off into the castle.

In a daze, I dialled Simon’s number.

Lady Moppet’s Post #7: Fierce Bad Moppet

Lady Moppet about to disrobe. Image from karenswhimsy.com

Previously: Lady Moppet of Yorkshire, time-travelling mistress of King John, was alarmed to discover that Elizabeth Woodville was writing an erotic historical novel about her entitled The Wicked Mistress, under the pen name Melusina Granger. The Wicked Mistress was largely based on a thirteenth-century manuscript, the Historia Moppetae by Brother Walter, editor of the Waltham Chronicle of the Universe. While Lady Moppet was shocked to learn that King John was collaborating with Brother Walter on the project, she was relieved that it seemed unlikely that The Wicked Mistress would find a publisher, due to the excessive number of sex scenes. Meanwhile, John, discovering that Moppet had secretly been using contraception, promptly imprisoned her. She takes up the tale from this point.

The King’s account of the events which led up to my imprisonment is accurate as far it goes. There is one detail he didn’t include, though. I asked him how on earth he knew what a diaphragm was and he told me he had posted a picture of it on a forum.

“Which forum was that?”

“The Aston-Martin forum. Some of the threads are off-topic,” he added a little defensively.

“You haven’t got an Aston-Martin,” I said.

“On the Internet, Moppet, nobody knows what you have.”

Left alone in my prison, I devised a strategy. I thought it was more than likely that John would relent after a day or two – or get bored without me, which amounted to the same thing. But even if he didn’t, I thought I could bring him round. When I was imprisoned he could never resist visiting me at least once a day to taunt me and demand sex. I would turn my prison into a honeytrap. I’d done it before.

King John’s Post #2: Fierce Bad King John

Previously: Lady Moppet was alarmed to discover that Melusina Granger was writing an erotic historical novel about her entitled The Wicked Mistress.  Discovering that it was based on a thirteenth-century manuscript, the Historia Moppetae by Brother Walter, she was shocked to learn that King John was collaborating with Brother Walter on the project. John promised to have the manuscript destroyed, but subsequently went back on his word. The couple were further estranged when John discovered that Moppet had, unbeknownst to him, been using contraception, despite his often-expressed desire for more children. As he has now locked up Moppet in a dungeon, he continues the story.

Back in my apartment, I sent for Brother Walter.

“Is the Historia Moppetae complete?”

“It is, Sire. I wrote the last sentence this morning.”

“Good. What is the last sentence?”

“‘Oh God, deliver England and the unfortunate King John from the tyrant Moppet.’”

“And there’s just one copy?”

“Just one.”

“You’re quite sure? No notes or early drafts hanging about?”

I had to be sure no-one else from my own time would ever see the Historia. If my barons read things like, ‘Oh God, deliver England and King John from the tyrant Moppet‘, first they’d laugh themselves sick, and then they’d depose me.

King John’s Post #1: Moppet’s Romantic Weekend

King John discovers Lady Moppet's deception. Image from www.karenswhimsy.com

As Lady Moppet is unable to post at present, I, John of England, will relate the next instalment of her story.

Let me say at once that there is no need for her many friends to fear for her welfare. She is at present securely accommodated in a very comfortable dungeon.

But before I explain why, I’d like to ask you, just for a moment, to consider the situation from my point of view. It seems to me that everyone has taken Moppet’s part. You really should hear my side of it.

Lady Moppet of Yorkshire’s Post #6: More Lingerie Shopping

Previously: Lady Moppet was alarmed to discover that Melusina Granger was writing an erotic historical novel about her entitled The Wicked Mistress.  Discovering that it was based on a thirteenth-century manuscript, the Historia Moppetae by Brother Walter, she was further shocked to learn that King John was collaborating with Brother Walter on the project. John promised to have the manuscript destroyed, but subsequently went back on his word.

A truce of sorts ensued.  I was still angry over the Historia Moppetae; John refused to have it destroyed.  We did manage to agree about other things, such as not liking Queen Isabella.

I asked to be allowed to fact-check the manuscript and remove some of the more egregious errors (in the course of which I would accidentally-on-purpose drop it into the moat).

John saw through that.

Oscar gave up his favourite hobby of setting fire to bishops’ robes and instead clamoured to be lifted into the laps of the ladies of the court, whereupon he tried to rip open their bodices so that, as he put it, ‘their boob will fall out.’

Winter turned to spring.

“Not pregnant yet, Moppet darling?” inquired John.

“No,” I said.

“Why not, do you think?”

I knew very well why not but I wasn’t about to say so.