Lady Moppet’s Post #11: Baby Name Poll Results

Image from karenswhimsy.com

Hello everyone! This will be a short post, as I’m nursing the twins and I find that takes up most of my time at present. But while they are napping (simultaneously for a wonder) I will take a moment to tell you the results of the Baby Name Polls:

Boys’ Names

William (9 votes)

Sebastian (8 votes)

John, Stephen (4 votes each)

Henry, Philip, Luke, Silvester, Saladin (3 votes each)

Simon, Felix (2 votes each)

Geoffrey, Innocent, Spencer (1 vote each)

Richard (0 votes)

Girls’ Names

Adele (7 votes)

Dangereuse (6 votes)

Eleanor (4 votes)

Maude, Joanna, Kitty, Charlotte (2 votes each)

Isabella, Emily, Kristen (1 vote each)

Alix (0 votes)

***

Thanks to everyone who voted and made suggestions! After a lot of consideration the following announcement has gone into The Times:

On September 8 2010, to John of England and Lady Moppet of Yorkshire, twin sons, Felix and Sebastian, brothers for Oscar Fitzroy.

Lady Moppet’s Post #10: The Baby Shower

Image by James Mellor via Flickr

 

The first sign of trouble was a message from John requesting that I join him in the throne room.

“Oh – tell him I’ll be down in a minute.” I was refilling the gas in my hair curler from a canister. I was still messing about with it when John stormed in.

“What the hell are you doing? How dare you keep me waiting?”

“Darling, do give me a moment. This is a bit fiddly.”

He snatched the styler from me and threw it across the room (fortunately it didn’t land in the fire).

“You can’t cower up here, Moppet. Bloody come and see what you have done.”

Lady Moppet’s Post #9: There’s Something About Moppet

Lady Moppet and two of her children. Image from http://karenswhimsy.com

Previously: Lady Moppet of Yorkshire, time-travelling mistress of King John, was alarmed to discover that Elizabeth Woodville was self-publishing an erotic historical novel about her entitled The Wicked Mistress, under the pen name Melusina Granger.The Wicked Mistress was largely based on a thirteenth-century manuscript, the Historia Moppetae, written by Brother Walter, editor of the Waltham Chronicle of the Universe, at the instigation of King John, who thought ruining Moppet’s reputation would help rehabilitate his own. Moppet was shocked to learn of John’s involvement and it caused a rift between them. When John discovered that she was secretly using contraception, he imprisoned her, and, leaving her in the custody of his half-brother William Longespee, made his way to the court of Henry VIII to find a secure hiding place for the Historia Moppetae. Moppet was released from captivity by Sir Gloucester Debrett-Burke, who is on a mission to make John sign Parva Carta, a charter about the right to hunt foxes. Making a brief return visit to the twenty-first century to confirm her suspected pregnancy, Lady Moppet was told that she is expecting twins:

I decided to rest for a few days before doing any more time travel, and, probably unwisely, whiled away my time reading The Wicked Mistress. I found it even worse than I’d supposed. It wasn’t just the repetitive sex, although that was bad enough (My nipples spring to attention. I arch my back, keening). It was the defamation of Lady Moppet. According to Melusina Granger, Moppet ended a typical weeknight like this:

I stagger outside. I reach for the support of the wall, miss it, and retch, spattering my silken gown, my embroidered slippers.

It was infuriating. But I had to remember that I would soon be the mother of three. I wanted to reconcile with the father of my children, but without colluding in the wrecking of my own reputation, if possible.

King John’s Post #3: Some bodices were ripped in the writing of this post

The Bodleian Library. Photo by Paul Joseph via Flickr

Previously: Lady Moppet of Yorkshire, time-travelling mistress of King John, was alarmed to discover that Elizabeth Woodville was writing an erotic historical novel about her entitled The Wicked Mistress, under the pen name Melusina Granger. The Wicked Mistress was largely based on a thirteenth-century manuscript, the Historia Moppetae by Brother Walter, editor of the Waltham Chronicle of the Universe. While Lady Moppet was shocked to learn that King John was collaborating with Brother Walter on the project, she was relieved that it seemed unlikely that The Wicked Mistress would find a publisher, due to the excessive number of sex scenes. Meanwhile, John, discovering that Moppet had secretly been using contraception, promptly imprisoned her before leaving, ostensibly to visit his northern territories. He takes up the tale from the time he decided to leave Moppet in the charge of his brother, William of Salisbury.

I sent for Oscar. He dashed in and skidded over the rushes to a kneeling position. I picked him up and held him up high. He kicked his little legs and stared down at me with Moppet’s blue eyes.

It’s never wise to get too attached to a small child. They’re too fragile. They’re like goldfish. Swimming happily round in their pond today, floating dead on the surface tomorrow. For no particular reason. So I’d never spent much time with any of my young children before. But Oscar was different. He would live to a great age. He would save the English monarchy. Moppet had brought him to me across the centuries so that he could fulfil his destiny. And I would never let him go.

That was why I was taking him with me. If Moppet escaped – and I didn’t put it past her – she might take Oscar with her. If she returned to her own time, I could send my mercenaries after her, to chloroform her and drag her back, as I had with Mrs Kensington (although God knew my to-do list was long enough). But if she hid somewhere else – somewhere in the past, or somewhere even further in the future – I might never be able to find her. Or Oscar. And I wouldn’t risk that.

[Warning: further on in this post Mary Boleyn will be using foul language.]

Around the World Tour: To Defy A King by Elizabeth Chadwick

I am reviewing this book as the British stage of the Around the World Tour organised by Alaine (Queen of Happy Endings). Thanks Alaine for setting this up!

It is so easy to forget, when studying political and constitutional history, that the first concern of barons was with wives and children, with mothers, cousins, nephews, with manors, castles, and estate boundaries. Because chronicles tell of the politics of the king’s council we tend to forget the politics of the bedchamber. A baron’s ambition for his heir, his concern for his widow if he died in war, his conversations with his brother-in-law, are no less important, no less a part of the warp and weft of the past, just because we know so little about them.

W.L. Warren, King John

If you want to know about the politics of the bedchamber in the twelfth and thirteenth centuries, you can’t do better than read an Elizabeth Chadwick novel. This one tells the story of Mahelt Marshal, favourite daughter of the powerful William Marshal, Earl of Pembroke. At fourteen Mahelt is married to Hugh, eldest son of Roger and Ida Bigod. Hugh’s half-brother is William of Salisbury (known as William Longespee), and his half-brother is King John. The book is all about divided loyalties: Hugh and Longespee have an uneasy relationship and Mahelt finds herself caught between the family she was born into and the one she married into. As the country descends into civil war, Hugh and Mahelt find themselves on the opposite side to Longespee and to Mahelt’s beloved father.

Lady Moppet’s Post #7: Fierce Bad Moppet

Lady Moppet about to disrobe. Image from karenswhimsy.com

Previously: Lady Moppet of Yorkshire, time-travelling mistress of King John, was alarmed to discover that Elizabeth Woodville was writing an erotic historical novel about her entitled The Wicked Mistress, under the pen name Melusina Granger. The Wicked Mistress was largely based on a thirteenth-century manuscript, the Historia Moppetae by Brother Walter, editor of the Waltham Chronicle of the Universe. While Lady Moppet was shocked to learn that King John was collaborating with Brother Walter on the project, she was relieved that it seemed unlikely that The Wicked Mistress would find a publisher, due to the excessive number of sex scenes. Meanwhile, John, discovering that Moppet had secretly been using contraception, promptly imprisoned her. She takes up the tale from this point.

The King’s account of the events which led up to my imprisonment is accurate as far it goes. There is one detail he didn’t include, though. I asked him how on earth he knew what a diaphragm was and he told me he had posted a picture of it on a forum.

“Which forum was that?”

“The Aston-Martin forum. Some of the threads are off-topic,” he added a little defensively.

“You haven’t got an Aston-Martin,” I said.

“On the Internet, Moppet, nobody knows what you have.”

Left alone in my prison, I devised a strategy. I thought it was more than likely that John would relent after a day or two – or get bored without me, which amounted to the same thing. But even if he didn’t, I thought I could bring him round. When I was imprisoned he could never resist visiting me at least once a day to taunt me and demand sex. I would turn my prison into a honeytrap. I’d done it before.

King John’s Post #2: Fierce Bad King John

Previously: Lady Moppet was alarmed to discover that Melusina Granger was writing an erotic historical novel about her entitled The Wicked Mistress.  Discovering that it was based on a thirteenth-century manuscript, the Historia Moppetae by Brother Walter, she was shocked to learn that King John was collaborating with Brother Walter on the project. John promised to have the manuscript destroyed, but subsequently went back on his word. The couple were further estranged when John discovered that Moppet had, unbeknownst to him, been using contraception, despite his often-expressed desire for more children. As he has now locked up Moppet in a dungeon, he continues the story.

Back in my apartment, I sent for Brother Walter.

“Is the Historia Moppetae complete?”

“It is, Sire. I wrote the last sentence this morning.”

“Good. What is the last sentence?”

“‘Oh God, deliver England and the unfortunate King John from the tyrant Moppet.’”

“And there’s just one copy?”

“Just one.”

“You’re quite sure? No notes or early drafts hanging about?”

I had to be sure no-one else from my own time would ever see the Historia. If my barons read things like, ‘Oh God, deliver England and King John from the tyrant Moppet‘, first they’d laugh themselves sick, and then they’d depose me.

King John’s Post #1: Moppet’s Romantic Weekend

King John discovers Lady Moppet's deception. Image from www.karenswhimsy.com

As Lady Moppet is unable to post at present, I, John of England, will relate the next instalment of her story.

Let me say at once that there is no need for her many friends to fear for her welfare. She is at present securely accommodated in a very comfortable dungeon.

But before I explain why, I’d like to ask you, just for a moment, to consider the situation from my point of view. It seems to me that everyone has taken Moppet’s part. You really should hear my side of it.

Lady Moppet of Yorkshire’s Post #6: More Lingerie Shopping

Previously: Lady Moppet was alarmed to discover that Melusina Granger was writing an erotic historical novel about her entitled The Wicked Mistress.  Discovering that it was based on a thirteenth-century manuscript, the Historia Moppetae by Brother Walter, she was further shocked to learn that King John was collaborating with Brother Walter on the project. John promised to have the manuscript destroyed, but subsequently went back on his word.

A truce of sorts ensued.  I was still angry over the Historia Moppetae; John refused to have it destroyed.  We did manage to agree about other things, such as not liking Queen Isabella.

I asked to be allowed to fact-check the manuscript and remove some of the more egregious errors (in the course of which I would accidentally-on-purpose drop it into the moat).

John saw through that.

Oscar gave up his favourite hobby of setting fire to bishops’ robes and instead clamoured to be lifted into the laps of the ladies of the court, whereupon he tried to rip open their bodices so that, as he put it, ‘their boob will fall out.’

Winter turned to spring.

“Not pregnant yet, Moppet darling?” inquired John.

“No,” I said.

“Why not, do you think?”

I knew very well why not but I wasn’t about to say so.

Lady Moppet’s Post #5: Dinner with Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn

King John lays down the law to Oscar. Image from Nan Hawthorne's Booking History

Previously: Lady Moppet was alarmed to discover that Melusina Granger was writing an erotic historical novel about her entitled The Wicked Mistress.  Discovering that it was based on a thirteenth-century manuscript, the Historia Moppetae, by Brother Walter, she is now upset to learn that King John collaborated with Brother Walter on the project:

“Brother Walter and I have worked out a strategy,” said John.

“What kind of a strategy?” I asked.

“Public relations.”

“Whose?”

“Mine.”

“I see,” I said. “You think maligning me will make you look better to historians.”

“Well, it will, Moppet,” he said seriously.

“So I’m to be libelled and my reputation traduced – “

“Better you than me, darling – ”

“And to add insult to injury, you’re publishing these ridiculous interviews that make me sound like a cross between a Doris Day character and a Dickens heroine!”

“I have to,” he said, “it’s what people want to hear.  I can’t let anyone know what a bossyboots you are – they’d never respect me again, and I wouldn’t get any more taxes out of them.  It’s all part of the strategy.  We present one version of Lady Moppet to my subjects, another to posterity.”

“And neither one is anything like the truth.”

“Well, I’m sorry if you’re miffed, darling, but I’m not going to change my plans.”

“Do just as you please, Sire.  You are the master.”

I made a mocking curtsey (I was good at that), turned my back on him and swept off to my room.  There I got into bed and dived under the covers.  I’d had enough of this day.

Warning: after the cut, Anne Boleyn, not for the first time on this blog, uses some very strong language!