The King John and Lady Moppet Interview
As part of a continuing series of interviews with historic royal figures, LoveHistory recently spoke with King John. Lady Moppet joins them.
Good day, Your Majesty. Thank you for joining us.
King John: Your Majesty…I like the sound of that. In my day it was just ‘Beausire.’ ‘Your Majesty’ wasn’t introduced until quite a bit later. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it first.
Let’s get right into this, shall we? How would you describe your relationship with your brother Richard?
King John: Difficult. There was a lot of rivalry, a lot of jealousy. You see, deep down, Richard always wanted to be me. He might have been ahead of me in the succession, but he knew he was far less suited to be king. I don’t deny that he had extraordinary military ability, but it takes more than that to rule a country. When it came to administration or the law – the day-to-day business of government – Richard was, to be frank, pretty hopeless. He used England as a cash cow to fund his wars, but why was he so obsessed with war? Because he knew any sustained period of peace would expose his intellectual inadequacies. He might dash off some poetry from time to time – he always found inspiration in his own achievements – but he never opened a book. If he’d been born in your century, he would have been the sort of man who’d say, “Yes, of course I read. I’ll read Maxim from cover to cover.”
Lady Moppet: While there’s some truth in this – Richard probably was jealous of John’s position as his father’s favourite – I think it’s just as true to say that John wanted to be him. Medieval kings were warriors first and foremost, so military ability was perceived as more important than anything else. I could never get John to admit that on hearing of Richard’s death he felt anything other than triumph because his way to the throne was clear. Actually I think a small part of him grieved for Richard, or grieved for himself because he was never the trusted second-in-command he felt he should have been. While he only seems to have named one of his sons after himself, he gave two sons the name Richard – his highest-ranking illegitimate son, Richard de Warenne, and his second-born legitimate son, Richard of Cornwall. Do you want to say anything more about that, John?
King John: Just that everyone should ignore Moppet because she has a tendency to apply post-Freudian analysis to pre-Freudian people. Pay it no mind.
What about Geoffrey?
King John: Geoffrey’s diplomatic ability is well-known. What’s less well-known is how often I acted as his adviser. I very much wanted to continue my role as consultant to the Duchy of Brittany after his death, but sadly his widow Constance didn’t trust me. Not sure why. My relationship with Constance has been misinterpreted, to the extent that some historians have gone so far as to say that I had an affair with her. That’s not true, unfortunately. I think the mistake stems from confusion between the names Constance and Clemence – Clemence being one of my favourite mistresses and the mother of my daughter Joanna of Wales.
Lady Moppet: I think John’s activities as secret adviser to Geoffrey took place mostly in his imagination. What he says about the Constance/Clemence mix-up, however, is accurate.
Having been dead for a few centuries, I imagine you’ve had a lot of time to reflect and gain some perspective. Looking back, how do you feel about your parents now?
King John: Well, they both had their favourites, didn’t they? My father, though, was a lot more sensible about it. I was his favourite purely and simply because I was the son most like him and he saw my potential. Mother’s preference for Richard, as far as I can tell, was based on his being blond. As for me, she was surprised to find out that, being a youngest son with no land, I hadn’t been drowned at birth. Inconveniently enough, I was allowed to live, so she thought the best thing was for me to be put into the Church. Can you imagine it? Me in a soutane, with a pet monkey or something. Fortunately Father overruled her. For once. Perhaps his greatest misjudgement was allowing her the autonomy that he did. Of course, it ended in rebellion. You can bet I didn’t make the same mistake with my own wives.
You have rather a bad reputation in history.
King John: I prefer to say that I have a fearsome reputation. And in the thirteenth century that was no bad thing. Kings had to be feared in order to be respected. Even though today’s leaders are expected to be more approachable, I think people are nostalgic for my management style. You only have to look at all the novels and films set in my reign to see that.
So “Bad King John” and “Evil King John” really mean “Fearsome King John”?
King John: Exactly. And let me tell you, even the most rebellious baron thought twice before crossing Fearsome King John. He knew I would take no prisoners. Quite literally sometimes.
Let’s talk for a moment about your children. Did you have a favourite?
King John: Given the trouble favouritism caused my parents I did my best to avoid it. I provided for all my children according to their rank and many of them repaid me with loyal service. I’m thinking particularly of my eldest son, Richard Fitzroy, who fought for me during the baronial revolt. And I’ve already mentioned Joanna. As Lady of Wales she had an important diplomatic role to play. She mediated between me and her husband Llywelyn, who could be difficult to deal with on occasion. It was Joanna who warned me of an assassination attempt some of my barons were planning. I think that suffices to show the loyalty I inspired in my children. Lady Moppet can tell you more about that.
Lady Moppet: It’s quite true that John’s affection for his children is his major redeeming feature. He took care to provide for them, whether legitimate, illegitimate or even unacknowledged. I have to add, though, that this was in his own best interests. Illegitimate daughters, like Joanna, were useful political pawns, and illegitimate sons were usually more loyal than legitimate ones, as they were more dependent on their father’s favour. John escaped conflict with his legitimate sons because he didn’t live to see them grow up.
Lady Moppet joins us in this interview. How has her perspective (coming from another century) helped you to shape your reign?
King John: She told me about this appalling, corrupt institution called Parliament which denies the royal family their God-given power and interferes with every aspect of their subjects’ lives. It only made me more determined than ever to keep the barons in their place. Admittedly the last thing they would have wanted was democracy, they were just out for a bit more power for themselves, but they started the whole thing by demanding the right to interfere in government. So it gave me considerable satisfaction to learn from Lady Moppet that most hereditary peers no longer have the right to sit in the House of Lords. The monster the barons created eventually turned on them too.
Oh, and apparently I had to watch out for a troublesome fellow who went by the name of Robin Hood. Never saw hide nor hair of him, thank God. An outlaw called Fulke FitzWarin was really getting on my nerves at one point, though.
Tell us about your wives. Any favorites?
King John: There were only two, Isabella of Gloucester, and, after that marriage was annulled, Isabella of Angouleme. I think there should have been more. The harem system some other countries have is much more sensible. When you have just one queen she tends to get a bit above herself. I did what I could to counter that by keeping Isabella the First around after I remarried and providing for her almost as well as I did for Isabella the Second. Isabella the Second took umbrage at that. After she gave me an heir I had to give her a bit more leeway and she insisted that I exile my first wife from court and reduce her allowance. There’s no truth in the rumours that Isabella the Second was unfaithful to me, but we didn’t always get on very well, because she wanted more power than I was willing to give her. I wasn’t as lucky in this marriage as Richard was in his – Berengaria was an ideal queen and I admired her very much. Of course Richard never appreciated her.
Lady Moppet: And you did?
King John: I visited her and wrote her some affectionate letters. I promised her a generous dowry.
Lady Moppet: Which you never paid. She was still petitioning for it to be paid well into your son’s reign.
King John: That’s not my fault. I had to spend so much on fighting the barons that there was nothing left over for her.
What’s your ideal Saturday night?
King John: Not what you think. My barons would have you believe that I only enjoy executing people. The truth is that I like nothing more than a boys’ night out, just not with them. I prefer to relax in the company of my knights or my trusty mercenaries. And of course, Saturday night wouldn’t be complete without a visit to my mistress of the moment. In fact, no night would be complete without that.
Lady Moppet: To be John’s friend, you had to be low enough in rank that he didn’t feel threatened. Oh, and you had to let him tell the jokes.
The Magna Carta: historical records tend toward the idea that your barons all but tied you to a chair, bitch-slapping you repeatedly until you agreed to sign the document. Our readers would like to hear your version of events.
King John: I’m glad you brought this up. For some reason people now think that Magna Carta was the most important thing to come out of my reign. I myself can’t say the time I spent at Runnymede was a complete waste of time, but that’s only because I managed to get some hawking in. I tried to explain that it makes no sense for the king to make a law to limit his own powers: he is the law. No-one would listen. In the end I put my seal to the stupid charter to gain some time, but I knew I couldn’t possibly stick to it. The barons obviously thought so too since not all of them bothered to stay around to take their oaths of loyalty.
Lady Moppet: That’s why you like Shakespeare’s play about your reign -
King John: Yes, because he very sensibly omits all mention of the whole thing.
Do all your mistresses do interviews or does Lady Moppet hold a special place in your heart?
King John: As you say, Lady Moppet does indeed hold a special place in my heart and so I’ve chosen her to represent my mistresses.
Lady Moppet: I suspect the real reason John doesn’t want his mistresses interviewed is because, while he could be romantic and generous as long as the relationship lasted, he didn’t treat the women he had discarded particularly well. In addition his barons accused him of sexually harassing their wives and daughters.
King John: All lies made up by the sex-obsessed chroniclers.
Lady Moppet: So why is there a support group for your ex-mistresses?
King John: There isn’t.
Lady Moppet: There is! It meets in the solar at Kenilworth on Tuesdays.
King John: Shall we move on?
Certainly, Your Majesty. I interviewed Richard III recently, and I have to say he’s a man of few words. I was surprised at that. Almost as much as I’ve been surprised to learn so much in our interview today. Your answers have a great deal more insight, and length, than I would have anticipated. Clearly you were an affectionate and responsible father. And see yourself as a great leader. Possibly ahead of your time. A visionary, if you will.
King John: I think I was about four hundred and fifty years ahead of my time in that I tried to rule as an absolute monarch. Unfortunately my subjects weren’t quite so far-seeing, hence the conflict that divided us.
Richard III probably doesn’t say much because he doesn’t want you to know what he’s thinking. He may seem affable on the surface, but he’s a devious chap underneath.
I find it interesting that both you and Richard III dealt with rumors due to the disappearance of certain family members. Would you care to set the record straight about what happened to your nephew Arthur?
King John: If only I could. No-one is more anxious than I to discover exactly what happened to Arthur. All I can say with certainty is that I haven’t seen him since April of 1203. To some Arthur seemed a confident, even an arrogant young man, but I observed that he had deep insecurities. It’s not impossible that he decided the task of ruling Brittany was simply too much to cope with and chose to make a new life in secret elsewhere. If so, I hope he found the peace of mind he was looking for.
In general, I think my record with regard to nephews is a good one. My brother-in-law Raymond VI, count of Toulouse, sent his son and heir to me to learn statecraft, and I brought up an illegitimate nephew, Henry, as my own son.
We’re getting down to the wire here. Quickly, if you can, what do you see as your legacy to England and to history?
King John: The British Empire. I began the process of building up the Royal Navy into a force which would eventually win for Britain the largest empire in history. That’s what I’m proudest of.
Last question. Possibly the most important question that historians have left unasked. What is your favorite color?
King John: Royal purple, of course.
Of course.
Well, that’s our time. Thank you to King John and Lady Moppet for joining us today. We hope we’ve been able to shed new light on one of history’s most…um…fascinating figures.
Ken had a few additional questions for King John:
King John: It is a bit messy, but it’s not like I have to clear it up myself. Plus it has huge entertainment value. It draws the populace from miles around, especially if there isn’t a local fair on. Shows them I’m not to be messed around.
Other times I prefer to execute people more discreetly. So I put them in an oubliette and, well, that’s it really.
What is your favourite among the flimsy, lacy, lingerie that Lady Moppet wears – is it the blue or the orange?
King John: Like the orange and black best.
Lady Moppet: For The Last Time. It’s Not Orange. It Is Amber.
Can you pronounce the double LL in Llewelyn?
King John: It is rather a challenge for a native French speaker. I usually just refer to him as ‘my son-in-law.’
Would you really have executed Isabella’s Teddy? What about the RSPCT?
King John: I was disappointed not to be able to execute Teddy. He’s always under my feet, and he smells. If I had got a complaint from the RSPCT, I would have executed them, too. The more the merrier.
You and Constance, eh? nudge, nudge, know what I mean, was she a goer, eh?
King John: See my previous answer.
Lady Moppet: Ken, you’re stirring now. Stop it.
What was up with Isabella 1? and what did Isabella 2 have that Isabella 1 didn’t?
King John: Three things, Ken. 1. Political advantages to the match – or so I thought at the time. 2. Youth and fertility. 3. An annoying smelly old teddy. Of course I didn’t find out about him till after the wedding.
How did you get over the abandonment issues with your mum – “thought they (last born) were drowned at birth” – bit heavy to deal with, that!
King John: I was never very interested in what Mother had to say. It was Richard who couldn’t make a move without getting her approval first.
Lady Moppet: Things might have turned out better for John at the start of his reign if he had taken Eleanor’s advice. Perhaps he was punishing her for her earlier neglect of him by ignoring her.
King John: Shut up Moppet.
How did you enjoy your helicopter ride? Did you feel above it all?
King John: I think a helicopter could be useful in a siege, for frightening the defenders, and dropping things on them. So far the Secret Services have refused to let me borrow one. I might have to steal one. We’ll see.
Were you ever sore about Thor?
King John: I am annoyed that Lady Mittens has resigned from the court whores due to their relationship. She was really good at her job. But so is Thor, and he’s keeping Oscar safe, so I can’t really complain, or execute him.
Last, but not least, Beausire: Do you really, really love Lady Moppet?
King John: I love Lady Moppet more than she will ever know. Because if she did, she might take advantage of the fact.
More Historic Interviews
As far as John hanging, drawing and quartering people goes, I have to refer everyone to Anachronism Stew.
The first person of note to receive that punishment was Dafydd ap Gruffydd, Llywelyn’s brother, in 1283. Edward I liked it so much, he did it to William Wallace too. It is possible it was first used in 1241 to hang a pirate. So there’s no evidence that John, for all his love of executions, ever used it. Thanks to Sarah Woodbury for providing this information.
Lady Despenser has more about this method of execution (and be warned, it’s not pretty).
This is my first visit to your blog – and it certainly won’t be the last!!! I love your take on historical subjects – especially King John
Thanks for the link by the way. Do you know, for some strange reason, that page on my blog is the most popular of the lot! They’re a bloodthirsty readership out there lol! Anyway, I shall definitely be adding this blog to my blogroll as it deserves to be seen!
Hello Lady D and thank you! I’m so pleased you like the blog. I am having great fun with it!
I feel that I have to remind you that following extensive research, I was able to prove that it was indeed King John who introduced this execution method to Merrie England!
In view of the controversy over who was the first person to be divided up (as it were!), I looked up some back numbers of the Waltham Chronicle of the Universe. I’m afraid you (and the official history of the origins of HDQ) appear to be wrong!
It was indeed King John who first started the custom. First for the execution of stuffed animals (for practice to see how long the execution could be drawn (sorry!) out). Then came a series of miscreants and the odd baron or two.
The reason for the confusion appears to spring from the descriptions of the execution contained in the Chronicle. After the hanging and the drawing, the poor victim’s legs, arms and head (not talking about other bits here as it’s a family Board), were cut off. KJ was a very accomplished mathematician and he was the first to notice that this had actually produced five pieces, not four! So! for the next 40 years or more, the Chronicle referred to the executions as “Hanging, Drawing and Fifthing!”
It was only in 1241 that HD&Q returned as the pirate who suffered the fate had already lost an arm! It just carried on from there although mathematically incorrect.
Hope this clears up the mystery (again) for you!