Lady Moppet’s Twelve Days of Christmas

December 25th – 1st Day of Christmas

We’ve arrived at Windsor where this year’s Christmas Court will be held.  Lots of memories – this is where King John and I first met.  Feeling rather romantic.

King John and Lady Moppet discuss who will get who what for Christmas

December 26th – 2nd Day of Christmas

“Moppet,” said John to me this morning,  “you are going to get me some good New Year’s presents, aren’t you?  I mean, don’t go thinking your love is present enough, or anything like that.”

“You’d better give me a list,” I said.

Not feeling quite so romantic now.

December 27th – 3rd Day of Christmas

LIST OF ACCEPTABLE PRESENTS TO GIVE THE LORD KING

PLEASE READ!!! THE FOLLOWING NOTES BEFORE YOU BUY!!!

1. The New Year, as we all know, begins on January 1st.  The lord King’s name day, being the festival of St John the Evangelist, falls on December 27.  These dates are close together.  BUT THEY ARE NOT THE SAME.  TWO PRESENTS WILL THEREFORE BE REQUIRED. ‘COMBINED’ PRESENTS WILL BE COUNTED AS ONE PRESENT. ANYONE GIVING THE LORD KING FEWER THAN TWO PRESENTS WILL BE EXECUTED.
2. Presents to Lady Moppet and the King’s children, while expected and, indeed, required, DO NOT COUNT AS PRESENTS TO THE LORD KING.
3. Once again: THE KING WANTS TWO PRESENTS.

Acceptable gifts include:

• Money
• Land
• Castles
• Eagles, gyrfalcons or peregrine falcons.  No goshawks or sparrowhawks please
• Palfreys
• Greyhounds
• Jewels
• Gold and silver plate
• Books
• Food, especially lampreys

There’s an extra sheet entitled Suggested gifts for Lady Moppet to make to the lord King.

1. Uranium
2. Charvet dressing-gown
3. Maltesers selection box
4. Subscription to Playboy
5. Windows 7
6. New baby

ANY LINGERIE BOUGHT BY THE LORD KING FOR LADY MOPPET IS A PRESENT TO HER NOT A PRESENT TO HIM

December 28th – 4th Day of Christmas

“You can’t have the subscription,” I told John.

“Oh, all right!  I knew you’d be like that.  But I want the other things.”

“I can’t guarantee the baby either.”

“I shall expect you to put plenty of effort in.  No ‘I’m not in the mood’ or ‘I’m still too full after supper.’  I don’t want to hear it, Moppet.”

“We’ll see,” I said.

December 29th – Fifth Day of Christmas

Now Oscar has given me a list of what he wants for New Year.  He can’t read or write yet, but he dictated it to a scribe.

1. A crown like Daddy’s
2. My own castle
3. A lightsaber
4. Maltesers!
5. A unicorn
6. A little brother or sister

(Strongly suspect John prompted him about that last part).

December 30th – Sixth Day of Christmas

And here’s my list:

1. Lands
2. Castles
3. Jewels
4. Furs
5. Silks
6. Cash
7. Box of rose and violet creams
8. Vanilla and black walnut scented candle
9. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince DVD

December 31st – Seventh Day of Christmas

I was drawing up a shortlist of people from whom to confiscate Oscar’s castle when John came in with an agonised expression.

“Tummy trouble, darling?”

“No,” he groaned.  “Mother’s here.”

“But she didn’t tell us she was coming!”

“Surprise attack,” he said bitterly.

“Is she laying siege to us?”

“Worse than that.  She’s come to stay.”

As we went down to greet Queen Eleanor he said, “About Isabella.  I don’t want Mother to know that she kidnapped my hostages, or I’ll never hear the end of it.  If she asks where Isabella is, just stall her while I think of something.”

Eleanor sailed in, discarding furs which her entourage hurried to catch.

“Moppet darling!  You don’t look a day older.  Oh, and John’s here too.”  He stepped forward to greet her but she threw an ermine stole at him and swept on.

“What are you going to give me for New Year, Mother?”

“Aquitaine.  But I’ll want it back,” she added over her shoulder.

January 1st – Eighth Day of Christmas

Torn wrapping paper everywhere, gift tags lost, we’ve got gold, silver, greyhounds all over the place and don’t know who they’re from.  John dictating round robin along lines of “thank you for your lovely gift, which gave great pleasure to Lady Moppet and myself.”  Oscar enraged – no unicorn.  John not pleased either – no uranium – told him Amazon were out of stock.  He whinged last night until Eleanor gave him Poitou as well as Aquitaine but she made him put his seal to a document saying she would continue to rule them.  I want to slip away to watch Harry Potter DVD but cloves need sticking into 150 oranges for decoration for banquet in great hall and it’s not going to happen by itself.

January 2nd – Ninth Day of Christmas

Bit of an awkward moment at the banquet.  John felt he had to explain why I was taking the Queen’s place at the high table and came out with some story about how Isabella hadn’t curtsied low enough to him so he said she had to spend Christmas in the Wendy House with the Scottish princesses for company.

“That’s not what she told me,” said Eleanor.

“You’ve seen her?” I asked.

“I stopped at Marlborough on the way here.   She wouldn’t let me into the Wendy House, but we had an interesting conversation through the window.  She told me she’d taken your hostages hostage, John, and would run your foreign policy until she chose to let them go.  Well, I had to smile.  Here is Isabella running your foreign policy, and no doubt Lady Moppet has her word to say about domestic matters, and I’m in charge of Aquitaine and Poitou.  It doesn’t leave much for you to do, does it, darling?”

“Did the Queen seem well?” I asked before John could say anything.

“Full of good cheer.  She had just made some mince pies, they turned out rather well.  Teddy was sitting at the head of the table.  He had a little crown on.  She was talking about how she was going to cut up your robes for him to wear, John darling, once you were dead.”

“I’ve a good mind to put Mother in the Wendy House too,” said John after the banquet.

“She is your mother, and it is Christmas – surely we can put up with her for a just a few more days,” I said soothingly.

Later.  Just told John Eleanor has to go.  I’ve caught her rearranging the baubles on the Christmas tree.  I told her I decorated it myself and she said, ‘I thought so,’ and went on rearranging.

“She’s here to collect the Queen’s Gold,” said John.  “Isabella should have it really, but Mother wants it for herself.  She won’t go till she’s got it.”

“Well, for God’s sake collect it quickly then.  She’s interfering with everything.  She’s ordered a whole load more wood to be chopped, as if I hadn’t provided enough.”

“Oh no,” he said, “that’s for the executions.”

“The executions?”

“Of everyone who didn’t get me enough presents.  There are quite a few!  I thought we’d burn them at the stake.  And roast chestnuts in the embers.  So seasonal.”

Later.  In bed.  Waiting for John.  There is the most godawful clanking coming from downstairs.  You’d think they’d have finished doing the dishes by this time.

Still later.  Think strain of Christmas is getting to John.  He just came in looking very pale.

“Darling,” I said, “you look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“I have!  My brother Richard.”

He sat down heavily on the bed.

“Mother was wittering on about how to deal with the barons.  I wasn’t listening to that, so I said I wanted to check that none of the guards had fallen asleep and went out on the castle walk.  And then I heard this awful clanking – and it got closer and closer – and there he was!  It gave me a turn.  But I stood up to him.  You would have been proud of me, Moppet.  I said, ‘What are you doing here?  Go away.  This is my kingdom now.’  And he said, ‘I have sat invisible beside you many and many a day,’ and Moppet, I don’t like the thought of that.”

“But why would he want to come and see you?”

“Just exactly what I said.  And he said, ‘I’ve come to warn you that your soul is in mortal peril and if you don’t change your ways pretty damn quick you’re going to Hell for good.  I didn’t want to tell you but I get ten years less in Purgatory if I do and it was too good to pass up.  Now look, you’ve got to stop killing people.’

“‘But it’s my job,’ I said.

“‘I thought so too,’ he said, ‘and look at me.’  And he shook his chain at me.  It was wrapped all round him, and there were swords and crowns and sceptres and daggers and things hanging on to it.  And he said, ‘Do you see how long it is?’  Moppet, it was fathoms long.  And he said, ‘Your chain was full as heavy and as long as this seven Christmas Eves ago!’”

“Well,” I said, “but what are you to do about it?”

“Three spirits are coming to haunt me, Richard said.  Before he floated up into the sky wailing.”

“What on earth good will that do?”

“I don’t know!”

We pondered.

“Now listen,” I said.  “Here’s what I think happened.  I heard that clattering too and I don’t think it was anything but the kitchen staff doing the dishes.  You must have fallen asleep in your chair and dreamed the rest.”

Really hope he dreamed the rest.  I’ve got enough problems with the royals who are still alive without having to deal with the ones that are dead.

Oscar is fractious in the post-Christmas slump; Lady Moppet tries to calm him

January 3rd – 10th Day of Christmas

Oscar driving me mad.  He’s eaten all the edible presents and broken most of the rest.  Now he wants more.  Eleanor says he needs a whipping – as if anyone asked her!  Ignored her.

It took me ages to get him off to sleep.  Then John had to wake me up in the middle of the night because he’d had another bad dream.

“Oh Moppet!  It was horrible.  A visitation!  Just like Richard said.  Some kind of spirit with a flame on its head.  Said it was the Ghost of Christmas Past.”

“Um, really?”

“Yes!  And it showed me all these visions.  Christmas at Fontevrault when I was five.  My sister Joan stealing all my presents.  She was bigger than me then.  And Cousin Matilda always favoured her because she was a girl.  Mother sending to ask if I had been drowned in the water butt, and if not, why not.  And then that awful Christmas with that fake crown business when I had to return everyone’s stuff and say sorry.  That was your fault, Moppet.”

“What you need,” I said, “is some hot milk.”

I dissolved a sleeping pill in it, and, on further consideration, some codeine.  He went to sleep murmuring, “I love you, Moppet.  You’re my best friend.”

Now I can get some rest.  Good!

January 4th – 11th Day of Christmas

John had another bad dream.  Half wish he had spent night with one of the court whores.  Sick of listening to this rubbish.

“This time it was someone who called himself the Ghost of Christmas Present, and he looked quite a jolly fellow.  Bit like the Green Man.  But the horrible things he showed me!  First I saw Isabella and the Scottish princesses, and it was quite true what Mother said about Teddy.  And Isabella had made a doll of me out of icing sugar, and she was sticking pins into it, and laughing.  And then I saw Philip Augustus, and he was planning how he was going to invade Normandy, and I knew I couldn’t do a thing to stop it.  God, Moppet, I can’t take much more of this.”

Nor can I.

January 5th – 12th Day of Christmas

Woken up by John thrashing about under the furs and whimpering.  Shook him awake.  Asked him was it another nightmare, but he wouldn’t say this time.  Just disappeared under the furs again.  I lit the candle and started writing this up.  He’ll come out when he’s ready.

Later. After a bit he stuck his head out and said, “Moppet?”

“Yes, darling?”

“You know all those people I was going to execute?”

“Mm.”

“I think I’m going to pardon them instead.”

King John, Lady Moppet and the ex-prisoners celebrate Epiphany. Even Brother Walter is invited.

January 6th – Epiphany

Moppeted!  Can’t write straight.  John pardoned all the prisoners and gave a banquet for them and fed all the paupers he could find and scattered largesse in Windsor and kissed me under the mistletoe and went round telling everyone Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, even his mother.  We had the bonfires anyway and roasted chestnuts and mulled vats of wine and pulled down all the holly and stuff and chucked it on and Eleanor chucked on the tinsel too and I would have minded, except it went up with such pretty turquoise blue flames.  It did look for a bit as if the castle might burn down, but it hasn’t.  So that’s all right.  Merry Christmas!

Images from Karen’s Whimsy